The Worst Things You Can Buy on Groupon

In the American Groupon System, the company provides the deals, and the people buy the Groupons. Most of the deals are awesome, but there is a small faction of Groupon that is incomprehensible. These are their stories.

Item

Set of 3 Stainless Steel Wedding Bands

Why It’s Terrible

There is nothing wrong with choosing not to take part in a specific aspect of a tradition. Likewise, there is no shame in wanting to take part in a tradition, but not having the financial availability to do so. If this were one ring for $3.33, I would say nothing. But 3-for-$10? I’m missing something, here. Is this for in case you lose a ring so that you can have 2 backups? Wouldn’t you then want the same ring to replace it with? Is this just in case you put a ring on it and she says “rose gold? Really? Do I look like Kim Kardashian to you?” Because honestly, if that’s what you’re worried about, all of these rings will be “raw steel” colored after a few weeks of daily wear. Maybe it’s for people venturing into 3-way weddings and it just so happens that all concerned parties have the same ring size (7! It was fate!). Maybe its for a man who is really passionate about buying in bulk, and also very skeptical about the longevity of his marriage(s).

Who Would Buy It

Pimps with tiny hands, Mormons, The Planeteers  and Gollum, maybe.

 

Item

Two-Pack of P EZ Ladies ‘ Travel Urinals ($7.99)

Why It’s Terrible

At first I thought this was something like a funnel which is horrifying, and yet somehow more respectable than what this actually is. Its a cup. A cup to pee in. Ergonomically-designed for maximum female-urethra-to-cup capture. It can be used “Anytime, Anywhere” so that you don’t have to go into those icky public restrooms that you are too lady-elegant for. This is better than those things because it’s “Discreet…Spillproof…Reusable.” Simply unzip your pants or reach under your skirt (like an elegant lady) and place this feminine-colored beauty over the part of your happy place where your tinkle comes out. You know, “discreet.” Don’t worry about the fact that this container will only hold a finite volume, and that you drank a 128-oz. Diet Coke Big Gulp 2 hours ago. Don’t think about it. Besides, this baby is “spillproof.” You gotta trust the system, girl.  But wait, you’re thinking, what do I do with the cup after I’ve filled it to the brim with my warm, liquid body waste? That’s where the “reusable” part comes in! Dump that urine any ole’ place and stick your P EZ Ladies’ Travel Urinal right back in your purse. And fuck hand-washing! Hand-washing is for those farmhands who are desperate enough to use public restrooms. Hahaha! Idiots!

Who Would Buy It

The classy, prepared-for-anything lady who’s never too good to piss in a plastic reusable cup while standing and probably in public, but scoffs at squatting behind a bush, or worse: PORT-O-POTTIES! (My mind’s eye sees Ke$ha.)

 

Item

One- or Two-Hour Kid’s Party Package with Costumed Character from Happy Smiles Costumes ($159.00)

Why It’s Terrible

LOL are you kidding me? Happy Smiles Costumes gives no number of shits about copyright law. This is clear from their advertising which features that beloved Sesame Street character “Elmore,” and that Disney classic, “Milly, the Soul-Sucking Female Mouse Who Eats the Faces of Children to Survive.” Holy hell, even in that picture that Happy Smiles Costumes provided, Elmore looks like he’s saying “Milly, just this once, can’t we let the children live?”

Who Would Buy It

Parents who give an equal number of shits about breaking federal law.

 

Item

Sweatshirt and Maxi Skirt Set

Why It’s Terrible

First off, I’m no Maxxinista. I want to be buried in my sweatpants so I’m ready for all the Chunky Monkey ice cream I’m gonna eat in the afterlife. My celebrity fashion inspiration is the color gray. And yet somehow even I know that this is unacceptable as clothes. Honestly, if anything, this is an affront to my way of life. “The ideal lounge wear?” FALSE ADVERTISING! No attire where the thighs have to the opportunity to chafe can ever be ideal on this or any other plane of existence. Why are we trying to improve the perfect creation that is the sweatpant, anyway? You sweatsuit and then you stop. In fact, skirtifying the sweatsuit is literally the worst thing I can think of doing to the David of clothing. In conclusion, ponder this: how will you hold the bowl of guacamole between your legs if there is skirt material bridging that useful gap?

Who Would Buy It

Amish Teenagers rebelling against their parents. In 2002.

 

Item

Honey Badger Cobra Strength BBQ Sauce ($23.99)

Why It’s Terrible

Now that you have looked Honey Badger in the eye, he will haunt your dream forever. I might just get this to send anonymously to my enemies to remind them that there is no goodness in the world and that death creeps ever closer. In short, if terror were a condiment it would be this barbecue sauce.

Who Would Buy It

Satan.

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