I Should Hate You

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I have only loved once. From this I’ve learned that falling out of love is impossible. Love can undergo many, many changes, but love is a like life. And if there’s anything the Earth and Jeff Goldblum know, it’s that life will find a way. Likewise, so does love. It evolves and morphs and it may take us to places we hate. We may realize we’re better off without it. But it never goes away.

So I’m making a list of the reasons I should hate you. Because there are still times when your smile pops into my head and for a half a second I can’t breathe. And I want to want to move on.

1. You cheated on me. And every time you lied I knew and every night I felt myself grow smaller and smaller.

2. You criticized things that made me, me. You caused me to question my worth. I don’t deserve that.
3. You took advantage of my feelings for you. My love shouldn’t be used as a tool or as leverage. It shouldn’t be used at all. Yet, you knew my feelings and how deeply they ran for you and still you played your games. I was the one who’d always be there, who’d always do anything to try to make you love her make you happy.
4. You never really saw me. All my time spent with you I tried understand you more. I wanted so badly to be a part of you forever. You never had that desire for me. In all the years you knew me, you never cared to know any of my friends or family. In the end you could only see one perspective of me. You only knew me as I was a part of you.

After everything I still love you. It’s cliche and it’s pathetic, but it’s True. It’s so True.
I should hate you. I don’t. Which makes me hate myself. I guess that’s Reason 5. You make me hate me. This wasn’t who I intended to be. I was meant to be stronger and wiser than I am. I wasn’t supposed to struggle with something as silly and simple…as love. It’s tragic how closely I associate “love” with “devastation” in my mind. For example, I think of how little you appreciate my affections and it devastates me. Still, I think of all the love of which I’ve learned I’m capable, and feel the prologue to a thrill with the thought that I might have somebody feel as strongly for me. Sometimes it seems ridiculous; requited love often appears as a myth. But, if it could be real, it could change everything. So, for now, I hope.

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